Brian Jewell is right when he notes in his Bay Windows article, The bliss off, the Peabody Essex Museum “Wedded Bliss” exhibit doesn’t explicitly address same-sex marriage. Nonetheless, it does an exceptional job of including art that both celebrates and critiques this central social institution. One of my favorites is a piece by Robert Boyd called “Cake Cutter,” in which a large knife is wielded to hack apart bride and groom wedding toppers. With the white bride and groom lying lifeless by the wedding cake, viewers are invited to think about all those who are excluded from the happy white wedding images that are so common in our culture. That made me think about what it meant to have been newly invited to the wedding party. What has changed for our community in Massachusetts–and now in California? Here’s a little of what I said at the museum on June 26:

Whether we are conformists or rebels, we cannot escape the importance of marriage to our society.  Thus it should be no surprise that gay men and lesbians have finally forced open that once tightly closed door. Being denied the social legitimacy and material benefits of marriage hurt—it hurt our self-esteem, it subjected us to psychological and sometimes physical violence, it threatened our relationships to partners and children. Marriage is no small matter.  

In Massachusetts, after four years of same-sex marriage, we can see the results of broadening the definition of marriage. Same-sex couples and their children have far more legitimacy as “families,” accepted by their communities (whether neighbors, school teachers, hospital personnel, car mechanics, or city clerks) in ways that gay and lesbian people in other parts of the country can hardly imagine. As our friend Steven Galante explained so eloquently in our book Courting Equality, “When marriage was made legal, it relieved people of their moral struggle with this particular issue. It allowed them to follow their hearts, their best instincts, and embrace our family.”

That embrace has been very important to LGBT families. But it is also important to remember, that as we move from the margin to the center, we can wrap ourselves in the romanticized commercialism of the white wedding industry or we can unpack the contradictions as many of the artists do in the Wedded Bliss exhibit.

Karen Kahn
July 6, 2008 

The bliss off
Brian Jewell
arts writer
Wednesday Jul 2, 2008

Sandy Skoglund’s faintly ominous “The Wedding” provoked much discussion.

While enjoying the beautiful Wedded Bliss exhibit at The Peabody Essex Museum, it is hard not to notice that something is missing. A survey of weddings as artistic inspiration, the exhibit gathers together both art inspired by marriage and objects associated with marriage (such as American wedding dresses and Japanese furoshiki). As the Museum’s Education Director, Peggy Fogelman, explained at a panel discussion last week, the exhibition explores courtship and weddings “across cultures, across centuries, and across lifestyles.”Yet same-sex relationships and marriage equality are all but ignored. Sharp-eyed viewers will spot a few gay couples in a video montage of wedding imagery, and a copy of Courting Equality, a chronicle of the journey to the country’s first same-sex marriages, on a table with other books about marriage. The biggest innovation in marriage since at least The Divorce Act of 1857 is given less attention than a handful of contemporary critiques of heterosexual marriage, and a couple of humorous nods to divorce. It’s a strange omission for an exhibit whose breadth reminds viewers that marriage rituals and traditions are constantly evolving. Never mind the fact that the country’s first same-sex civil marriages took place right here in Massachusetts.On June 26, the Peabody Essex addressed this omission with a screening of the film The Gay Marriage Thing and a panel discussion on same-sex marriage. Read the rest of this article.

by Pat Gozemba

Karen and I had a great time at the Peabody Essex Museum in Salem on a panel focused on same-sex marriage that was part of the educational program of the beautiful exhibit “Wedded Bliss.” Here’s what The Salem News had to say about the panel.
 
Expert panel discusses same-sex marriage
By Joe O’Connell
Correspondent
June 27, 2008 05:45 am

—
SALEM — A documentary film followed by a panel discussion on same-sex marriages was held last night at the Peabody Essex Museum as part of the ongoing “Wedding Bliss” exhibit.
    The event was called to look at not only the events that led up to Massachusetts’ decision to allow same-sex marriages, but also at the effects that the landmark vote has had on our culture four years later.
    Close to 60 people came to view “The Gay Marriage Thing,” a documentary from 2005 by Stephanie Higgins. The film followed a gay couple, Lorre Fritchy and Gayle Green, as they prepared for the state’s decision and ultimately their wedding. It showed views from both pro- and anti-gay marriage individuals.
    The panel discussion that followed included Massachusetts state Rep. Byron Rushing, who helped pioneer the bill that allowed same-sex marriage in Massachusetts. He was joined by Chrys Ingraham, who wrote “White Weddings: Romancing Heterosexuality in Popular Culture,” and is chairwoman of the sociology department at SUNY-Purchase.
    Karen Kahn and Patricia Gozemba, a married couple from Salem, were also on the panel. They authored a book “Courting Equality,” which profiled numerous same-sex marriages in Massachusetts.
    Robin Abrahams, an advice columnist for the Boston Globe, moderated the discussion.
    Here is an account of some of the topics touched upon:
    What is the role of visuals in a wedding?
Gozemba: “Using all those photos in our book made the ordinary extraordinary. Photos would just make it easier to see what a gay marriage would look like.”
Ingraham: “I think that the pictures in your book, they normalize an intensely private affair.”
    What is the relationship between marriages and weddings?
Ingraham: “Weddings are the rituals that signal the readiness for marriage.”
Abrahams: “Weddings are the confirmation of a relationship that already exists.”
    What are ways to counter prejudice that is based on disgust?
Rushing: “I believe the disgust comes out of prejudice. We need the trendsetters to change the trend.”
    With marriages being so bride-oriented, what effect will that have on marriages with two men?
Abrahams: “Every wedding is a gay wedding.”
    When the words, “The power invested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts” are said, to what extent is that a personal or social change?
Gozemba: “It makes a huge political difference. It was not just a spiritual moment, but a political one, too.”
Kahn: “When you go through that ritual, it changes you.”
Copyright © 1999-2008 cnhi, inc.

 Patricia A. Gozemba

Peter Hayashida and Michael Olman are two amazingly creative and accomplished guys whom Karen and I had the pleasure of meeting in Hawaii about five years ago–at a traditional Korean Christmas dinner orchestrated in large part by our mutual friend Rochelle. We bonded with these LA guys around our mutual desires to live in Hawaii. Peter grew up in Hawaii and Michael fell in love with Hawaii the first time that he went to the islands.

Yep, that’s Michael, an Emmy Award winning sound artist, in his omnipresent aloha shirt and Peter the development officer in a tie. This shot was actually done for a wonderful radio interview that they did for Pacifica Radio. Listen to what they had to say about marriage and their happiness to be fully recognized by the state of California.

On Friday, June 21, 2008, they married. Here’s what Peter had to say about their marriage that cuts right to the point of equality, love, and support:

“Michael and I got married on June 20, 2008 in a civil ceremony in the City of West Hollywood. Although we recently celebrated our 14th anniversary, earning the right to marry was a significant milestone for us and other same-sex couples in California.

We wanted to share pictures with you thank you for supporting us as a family during the many years before the State of California saw fit to do so.

With much love,
Michael & Peter”

We wish the very best to them and all the couples who through marriage have made it to this next milestone on our road to full civil rights and equality.

Now, may California take care to protect this court given right at the ballot box next November. Having couples like Michael and Peter speak out on the radio and show their pride in moving further into the full circle of equality will make a huge difference in public acceptance. We know. It happened in Massachusetts. Our rights can be protected by our coming out.

Thanks and congratulations.

Gov. Deval Patrick, Katherine Patrick, Diane Patrick march in Pride

What a Difference a Governor Can Make
by Patricia A. Gozemba
Bay Windows Contributor
Thursday Jun 19, 2008

The First Family of Massachusetts raised the celebratory level of the 2008 Pride Parade in Boston to dizzying new levels. During Pride Week, the Patrick family showed enormous grace, leadership, and love as the political met the personal. In a vacuum of national leadership on marriage equality, governors, and sometimes their families, can and must lead the way.

On June 9, 2007, Governor Deval Patrick made history when he became the first sitting governor to march in a Gay Pride parade. His youngest daughter, Katherine, joined him. As they marched up Beacon Street past the State House, the crowds cheered wildly. MORE

Day One
Guest Blogger: Lisa Berg

Beverly Hills District Office of the Los Angeles County Registrar Recorder/County Clerk

It was amazing. It was exciting. It was history! I went to the Beverly Hills District Office of the L.A. County Registrar Recorders office to be a part of the very first day that any homosexual couples could actually apply for and legally receive a marriage license. It was surreal to see how many people felt free to proclaim their love in the sunshine, free of fear. I grew up in a time when a public display of affection by lesbians or gay men was an invitation to violence. There was no such fear today. The mood in the building was positively giddy. There were dozens of couples waiting patiently in line to be a part of this historic day. Here are just a few of the incredible people I met today…

Scott and Gary were the first two men I ran into this morning. They’ve been together for nine years now and Scott is beside himself with excitement about today’s nuptials. When I ask what the social atmosphere was like for them when they first realized they were gay Scott answers by saying that Gary’s father is a Southern Baptist Minister. They immediately bring it back to present day and tell me that they have 2 young sons at home that are one and three years old and they are so excited to be able to be married for themselves and for the boys.

In line behind Scott and Gary were Charley and Mark. They’ve been partners for fourteen years. They become fast friends with Scott and Gary and another couple waiting to get married. The six of them decide to be official witnesses for each other. After the three marriages take place they exchange email addresses and make plans to get together later in the day.

Charley and Mark

I then met two youngsters, Errica and Oshea. They have been a couple for one and a half years and are here to make it permanent. They were a reminder to me of what the County Clerk probably sees most on any other day – young lovers making a lifelong commitment. In retrospect, unlike Errica and Oshea, most of those waiting in line have been waiting for this for most of their lives… couples like Becky and Natasha.

Oshea and Errica

Becky and Natasha have been partners for twelve years now and they seem relieved to finally be able to be considered equal in the eyes of the law. I spoke at length with Becky who said she never thought she would see this day in her lifetime. She also expressed a deep respect for the Supreme Court for the courage of their decision. When I asked what it was like for them when they first realized their orientation, Becky said, “There were no role models back then.” Then, referring to the coverage of the marriage of Del Martin and Phyllis Lyon on the news yesterday, Becky commented, “To see a 55 year relationship finally being honored for what it is, was inspiring.” I ask if they will marry today. They say their plans are to marry on August 2nd since that is their anniversary date, but they wanted to be here to get their license today.

Natasha and Becky

As I talked to others in the room I met David and Jim. They have been registered domestic partners for 7 years, but they have been life partners for thirty seven years! When I asked what this means to them to be able to marry Jim told me, “Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything.” Confused I asked then why were they doing it. He said they have to…for financial reasons. You see, after 37 years together they are looking for some added financial security that comes with the marriage certificate. It (obviously) doesn’t change anything about their emotional relationship or their commitment to each other. What it does change, in Jim’s words, is that they are no longer second class citizens.

David and Jim

Noticeably absent from the scene today was any opposition displays. No picketers, no banners, no demonstrations, no negative displays of any kind. Maybe we got lucky or maybe they chose a different location. No matter. I don’t think there was anything that could have dampened the spirits of the people here today. I’m so glad I was able to be in the midst of history in the making. As I write this my partner and I have already applied for our license with plans to marry on September 1st to commemorate the 29th anniversary of our first commitment ceremony.

See the June 3 blog entry below, “Marriage–Again–New Photos,” for photos of Lisa and her partner!

    Aaron Toleos is my new hero. On June 7th at the Massachusetts Democratic Convention, Toleos stood up for all of us and confronted Massachusetts Senator John Kerry about his continuing lame position on marriage equality.
    The next day, the Boston Sunday Globe reported the David and Goliath scenario this way:

A delegate was escorted off the convention floor for having a homemade sign, which read, “John Kerry, Anti-Gay Marriage, Anti-Massachusetts.”
Aaron Toleos. codirector of the advocacy group KnowThyNeighbor.org, said he was physically assaulted during the incident and is considering legal options. He said he has the incident on videotape and planned to post it on YouTube.

    Amazingly, some LGBT people and many progressive Democrats actually believe that Kerry supports gay marriage. It seems so improbable that he does not. It seems even more improbable that the senator would show up at the state Democratic convention and still not support us.
    In 2004, the LGBT community in Massachusetts gave Kerry cover to dodge supporting our marriage equality victory—all so he could beat George Bush in the presidential election. We know what happened. Kerry traveled the country and said that he did not support the law in his home state giving same-sex couples the right to marry. And now four years later, Kerry has still not come around to supporting our great civil rights victory. What’s his rationalization now?
    Marriage equality did not swift-boat Kerry, his own lack of courage and principles did.
    What’s amazing now is that Kerry is actually looking for the support of the LGBT community and our allies in his upcoming Senate race and he still has not come out in favor of gay marriage. What is the senator’s problem in supporting equality, dignity, and the law of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts?
    For four years now, our state has been the beacon of hope for gay marriage. We have proven to the country that extending the right of civil marriage to all people improves the quality of life in our state. Same-sex couples can marry and our families and friends can join us in validating our relationships in our communities. Our families are more secure, but there is work to be done. While we have state benefits, we still do not have the all important federal benefits that married couples receive. Kerry should be working on this for us.
    Instead he is examining his conscience—still—about whether we should have the rights of civil marriage.
    Toleos took a stand on Saturday that more of us must take. Will Kerry show up at Pride and have the gall to ask for our support?

    Thanks, Aaron. I know what I have to do.

Patricia A. Gozemba

Pretty big numbers. Pretty huge victories. We are becoming part of “We the people.” 

As Massachusetts celebrates four years of marriage equality, 60 million Americans now live in three states where gay marriages are recognized. California’s high court and New York’s governor made it possible for millions more Americans to opt for marriage–and have their marriages recognized and respected.

On the heels of these hard-fought for victories, the USA Today/Gallup Poll announced on June 3 that 63 percent of Americans from every area of the country believe that same-sex marriage is “strictly a private decision” between two people. The approval ratings are a tribute to the fair-mindedness and love for equality that are inherently American. Here’s the regional breakdown of the statistics: East (71 percent), West (64 percent), Midwest (63 percent) and South (56 percent). More

Our trailblazing in Massachusetts broke barriers and proved to the country that marriage equality for all is good.

 Prof. Mark Rozell of George Mason University pointed to the fatuousness of the “overheated rhetoric, about the consequences of gay marriage in Massachusetts.” He says that the poll results show that people didn’t see our marriages “affect their own lives.” He adds, “Now, most people have let loose a collective yawn about the issue.” 

While the “collective yawn” might be viewed as a good thing, it is in sharp contrast to the excitement that millions of gay men and lesbians feel at having attained another civil right that allows us to protect ourselves and our families.

The “yawn” is also in sharp contrast to the reaction of the far-right group Save California that is encouraging people to call their county clerks and tell them not to issue same-sex marriage licences. Dan Savage reports that they suggest the following on their website:

Ask your county clerk if they were a Nazi officer during WWII and had been ordered to gas the Jews, would they? At the Nuremberg trials, they would have been convicted of murder for following this immoral order.

So in the wild stretch that is called right-wing spinning, county clerks who swear to uphold the California Constitution are being likened to Nazis.

The Massachusetts Family Institute tried the same ploy. They encouraged clerks to resign rather than uphold their oath of office and issue same-sex marriage licenses. In the end, one or two clerks did resign, but the big story was about the courageous clerks who went one step further and refused to deny licenses to out-of-state couples and took the governor and the attorney general to court over forcing them to act in this unconscionable manner.

They lost only because the racist inspired 1913 law directed at inter-racial couples is still on the books in Massachusetts. The law prohibits couples from marrying in Massachusetts if their home states will not recognize their marriages. But now same-sex couples from New York and California can come to Massachusetts and marry. The 1913 law must be wiped off the books. It’s a disgrace to Massachusetts that has led the way in achieving equality for so many.

With the clear vision of 63 per cent of the people in this country there is no more room for bigotry. Soon 60 million will be yawning at the ordinary, yet somehow extraordinary, nature of marriage equality.

In a recent Bay Windows article, I wrote about Rosanne Schembri and Lisa Berg, a California couple longing to marry. Here are some photos of them that did not make it into the newspaper but tell an important story about who we are and our desires to have our civil rights.

1979

 On September 1, 1979, the Rev. Jeri Ann Harvey, of the Los Angeles Metropolitan Community Church married Rosanne Schembri (l) and Lisa Berg (R).

2006

Rosanne Schembri and Lisa Berg at their wedding in Canada in 2006.

Next, they will marry legally in their home state of California. Stay tuned for the story and the photos!

Marriage - again

Bay Windows contributor
Patricia A. Gozemba

June 2, 2008

California, what great company you are in. Our courts have blazed the path. Massachusetts and California - two down and forty-eight to go. Bi-coastal dignity is not enough. The promise of liberty and equality for all means just that - for all.

We won marriage equality because the Massachusetts court ruled in Goodridge v. Department of Public Health that all citizens are guaranteed “equal protection” under the law. Your court went further and ruled that marriage is a “fundamental right.” Mary Bonauto, the victorious attorney in Goodridge, could barely contain her joy with the California decision. In a Boston Globe? article she said, “This is not a little ripple in a pond. This is a wave. This is big. What Massachusetts did was extraordinarily significant. Someone had to be first but having the second state be the largest in the country, with an influential judiciary, makes it quite a powerhouse.” More

Officially the Episcopal Church does not support marriage equality. Unoffically many leading clerics in the Episcopal church do. Bishop Thomas Shaw of the Episcopal Diocese in Eastern Massachusetts is quoted in Courting Equality,

The only God that I know from my studying of scripture is a god of justice, a god who demands that every single person have the rights that they need to flourish and live in society.

Shaw was one of the prominent leaders in the Religious Coalition for the Freedom (RCFM) to Marry, a group of 23 Faith Traditions in Massachusetts that lobbied with us for marriage equality. Their tenacity and commitment is credited by many for helping us protect the Massachusetts Constitution and preserve same-sex marriage.

On May 17, 2007, RCFM held a ceremony at the State House where the 1,000th faith leader in Massachusetts signed their petition in support of marriage equality.

On June 14, 2007, the day that the Massachusetts Legislature turned down a November 2008 constitutional ballot amendment–like the one Florida is facing and California may very well be–RCFM staged an amazing show of support. They held a prayer service at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church and then in their ceremonial robes members of all the faith traditions marched across Boston Common to the State House.

There they stood witness for hours–lest anyone in Massachusetts believe that church leaders were not in support of marriage equality.

On May 18, 2008, St. Paul’s Episcopal Church in Natick, Massachusetts invited us to present our iMovie of all the photos in Courting Equality and to share our experiences of the movement. Representative David Linsky of Natick joined us for a truly memorable occasion. Read the MetroWest Daily News account of the event. See the mention of the event in

Many in the Episcopal Church are on our side! We want to keep the dialogue going with faith groups.

On Monday, May 20, the Boston Globe published this letter from Courting Equality author Karen Kahn:

CONGRATULATIONS TO California and all its lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender citizens who have been recognized as equal citizens by the state’s Supreme Court. The California court affirmed its 1948 Perez decision recognizing that the choice of one’s marriage partner is a fundamental right, regardless of race or, in Thursday’s ruling, gender.

Perhaps Kris Mineau, president of the Massachusetts Family Institute and an opponent of same-sex marriage, does not understand the workings of democracy (”Mass. activists on both sides ready to help,” Page A1, May 16). Here in Massachusetts, we spent four years fighting over the definition of marriage. Our highest court ruled that marriage discrimination was unconstitutional. Our Legislature, after hearing from thousands of citizens, voted to affirm freedom and liberty for all Massachusetts citizens. And Governor Deval Patrick worked hard to prevent discrimination from being written into our state constitution.

In California, the Legislature has twice voted in favor of same-sex marriage, but Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger refused to sign those bills without a decision from the court. Last week, he expressed his support for the ruling. But Mineau and his anti-gay allies call the court ruling undemocratic. Really? What I see in Massachusetts and California is that democracy moves inexorably toward equality for all.

Let’s make sure California’s residents understand that writing discrimination into thier state constitution would be an affront to “liberty and justice for all.”